The Argonnessen Prophecies
Osiris: I use my arcane powers to cause a Nightmare Eruption in the dwarf, causing his greatest fear to manifest before everyone. 8 damage.
DM: Above the dwarf’s head, you see an empty beer mug. The dwarf screams ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’ and falls over dead.
Edgar: I want to buy a hat. Something flashy.
DM: Spend one gold, and you have a flashy hat with a decent pimping feather, made of felt…
Edgar: Can I get something a bit more exotic, possibly endangered?
DM: Spend another five gold, and the hat is made of displacer hide.
Edgar: That’s more like it.
DM: Gygax begins searching through his notes, mostly by throwing them all onto the floor.
Edgar: I like this guy’s jive. I help him. throws more stuff onto the floor
Koram(On failing an Insight check to realize that no, the half-orc is NOT supposed to be eaten by a dragon in the second act): Wow, this has really impressive special effects!
Finn: Well, y’see, he thinks he’s a goat, and the kobolds think he’s their king. There’s a story there.
Edgar: Shaking it. That’s what I should have done!
DM, as Gygax: Yes, when in doubt, shake the magic thing. Oh boy. Didn’t see that one.
Finn: Mr.Changelingman, IsawyourshowandyouwerereallyawesomeandcanIhaveyourautographplease?!
DM: Oh. Wow.
Edgar: Wait a second. Did you just kill ANOTHER dragon?
Osiris: (Matter-of-factly) Yeah.
DM: So, was it Starseer, or Dragonslayer? I can’t remember…
Koram: So, this Etherial Manipulator…
Osiris: What can we do with it?
Finn: I don’t think he meant for it to be this interesting…
Edgar: Quick, put something in it!
Osiris: I summon my Mage Hand, and flip the switch.
DM: It becomes a plain-old severed hand.
Osiris: Oh. That’s not cool. I flip the switch again.
DM: Your Mage Hand reverts to it’s original form and flips you off.
DM: Steel Trueheart then gives you his card.
Koram: Is it magical?
Osiris: Is it made of special paper that can’t be destroyed?
Finn: Is it animated?
DM: It’s…just… his… business…card…!!!
DM: Okay, Koram, you attack the bandit, hitting him in the neck with your dagger…
Kroam: I use a Broadsword.
DM: Whatever, thick-ass dagger.
Osiris: Wait… thick ass-dagger?
Edgar: You’re proficient in those?
DM: Okay, go ahead and try to Diplomance and get a good price for these rubies…
(Patched together from all players): These rubies were made of pure magic, shat out by dragon of time, the only love of a first dwarf, and caressed by virginal dwaven-dryad-unicorns,… wait guys, why are we selling these rubies?
(Upon seeing Koram’s head crushed by a Craud Crusher’s Hammerclaw)
Osiris: I will avenge you!
Finn: I couldn’t save him!
Edgar: Worst case of crabs, ever.
Finn: If the dire bears are too stupid to build their burrow out of anything besides snow, it’s their fault.
DM: You’re in the Frostfell! IT’S ALL THE HAVE!!!!!
Finn: If you fireball the bears, you’re going to melt the den further, and they’re going to be even more pissed off.
Edgar: It’s a bit late for that.
DM: And the bears hear Osiris passing his stone, grunting like a fiend.
Edgar: Ahoy! I have cubs! And Osiris is pregnant!